A Technique for Letting Things Go
Focus on the Feeling and Forget Your Stories
Letting go is something I have attempted to do my entire life. At work and in my personal life, my perfectionist and control issues tie me up in knots and I know — logically — that letting go is what I have to do.
Like most advice, hearing it is easier than implementing it.
When I have a problem, the first thing I do is run to the bookstore. Surely someone has already gone through this, and I can just read their secret formula. Again, reading advice is easier than implementing it.
Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender
My current woes involve my 88 year old mother who is near to the end of her life but still alert enough to yell and demand her own way. Her doctor has her in and out of the emergency room and hospital, but won’t agree to give her palliative/Hospice care for her stage 4 metastasized bone cancer. When I hire help she fires it and rapidly declines. Any one who has gone through this knows the frustration and emotional pain it causes.
On my desperate bookstore run, I actually discovered a book that had the secret to letting go. Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins, (M.D., Ph.D.) lays out a simple approach that works almost instantly.
“The real source of ‘stress’ is actually internal; it is not external, as people would like to believe…Stress results from the accumulated pressure of our repressed and suppressed feelings. The pressure seeks relief, and so external events only trigger what we have been holding down, both consciously and unconsciously.” David R. Hawkins, Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender
This logical explanation was laid out nicely and made sense. However, this intellectualization didn’t make me feel better. This was the secret:
“Thoughts are merely rationalizations of the mind to try and explain the presence of the feeling…The thoughts or external events are only an excuse made up by the mind (for the feeling.)” David R. Hawkins, Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender
This statement struck a chord in me. I had to get out of my head and into my emotions. My relationship with my mother is difficult. I have suppressed my feelings for years. It has always been easier to give into her than have boundaries.
Instead of ruminating on the stories of my past and our relationship, I tried Hawkins’ steps. I could feel the chains of my stories fall off and, in their place, I felt peace.
The First Step for Letting Go
“First, allow yourself to have the feeling without resisting it, venting it, fearing it, condemning it, or moralizing about it…drop judgment and see that it is just a feeling…It is resistance that keeps the feeling going.” David R. Hawkins, Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender
Sometimes you have to follow the initial feeling, like frustration, backwards to get to the true root feeling. The most common feelings, when followed backwards are anger, guilt and fear.
“As we become more familiar with letting go, it will be noticed that all negative feelings are associated with our basic fear related to survival and that all feelings are merely survival programs that the mind believes are necessary.” David R. Hawkins, Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender
Don’t rationalize why you have the feeling because it doesn’t matter. This was hugely helpful for me. It didn’t matter why I felt fear. I didn’t need to go back into my past. I just felt the fear without the story. I sat with my fear.
The Second Step for Letting Go
Ask yourself if you are ready to let the feeling go. Don’t force yourself to let it go, only ask. You have a choice. Sometimes there are payoffs to the emotion and you aren’t ready to let it go.
“Feelings come and go, and eventually you realize that you are not your feelings, but the real ‘you’ is merely witnessing them. You stop identifying with them.” David R. Hawkins, Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender
I let go of the fear and, when it came back, I surrendered to it again. Without the thoughts and stories to keep it in my mind, the emotions passed quickly.
My stories were thoughts that kept the emotions active. The naked emotions were surprisingly easy to let go.
Keep Letting Go
Alas, this isn’t a one-time technique. You have been repressing emotions and telling yourself the same stories for years, it isn’t going to all go away overnight.
“Let us not forget that we are letting go of all the programs that have made us a slave and a victim for a long time. These programs have blinded us to the truth of our real identity. The ego is losing ground and will try tricks and bluffs.” David R. Hawkins, Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender
However, in the moment, this tool of identifying the emotion and feeling it has allowed me to surrender it quickly. It feels good. It feels easy. It feels empowering.
Once I surrendered, helpful people seemed to come out of the woodwork. A social worker at the hospital is helping me make a case, and an old friend reached out and gave me the names/numbers of caregivers. These are examples of synchronicity, and Dr. Hawkins predicts that it will happen once surrendering starts.
Conclusion
That’s it! I read the entire book because…well because that’s what I do. In addition to his secret formula, Dr. Hawkins explains the “anatomy of emotions” and identifies them.
A chapter is dedicated to each emotion. This is helpful because most of us suffer from specific emotions and the chapter helps you to understand them in a nuanced way. The book outlines the health benefits of continual surrendering.
David R. Hawkins, Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender is a helpful book with concrete suggestions, as well as an interesting read.
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